My dating guru t2ed wrote a solid post that inspired me.
T wrote about the break, welcome or otherwise, that comes when you're on the rebound.
I commented on the post about how I can deal with rebounding. I usually feel pretty good after a pint of Phish Food and a round of sappy chick flicks. Breaking up is hard to do, but I can deal with it - it gives a girl character.
I just have a tough time putting myself back on the street, so to speak.
Being single is so easy. The scenario's emotions are so two dimensional. Happy. Sad. Confused. Not Happy Because Of Someone Else. Not Sad Because Of What Someone Else Did. Not Confused Because of Another Person's Actions. My social life is simple - it's what I want, when I want, with whom I want. I can eat whatever I want, wear whatever I want. My apartment can be a mess and nobody really cares, because nobody else inhabits that corner of this earth - except me.
Single is easy.
What's hard is getting back in rotation.
I am the girl who doesn't look a man in the eye when she passes him on the sidewalk. I'm the girl who looks away quickly when she realizes a guy is checking her out. I keep my head down in coffee houses and book stores because I automatically write off every reasonably attractive man there - Why would he be interested in me?
I've got no problem with the easy targets. I can talk 'til the cows come home to the old guys, the guys who wouldn't stand a chance dating me. The rednecks. The dorks. I can chat up all those guys without feeling a twinge of nerves or insecurity. But the guys who are successful and handsome? - The guys who my friends would pair me up with? - I get all tongue tied and apprehensive and just turn away because I'd rather take a short cut around the rejection instead of bracing for something that could sting and leave me walking with my tail between my legs.
I don't think I have a confidence problem, at least where the rest of my life is concerned. I think I'm an alright looking chick who can sometimes pull it together and look like a hot tamale (or cha-cha as NB-C and Nat would say) from time to time. I know I'm smart and don't really feel insecure when it comes to the wet noodle between my brains, and I feel reasonably confident about my place in the world, including the cultural and global experiences I've been exposed to.
And I know I am a damn good cook, and that's got to count for something.
I guess I'm just not confident when it comes to the opposite sex, and I have no ungodly reason why.
I have a loving family, and they've done plenty to make me feel good about myself. I have a great relationship with my dad, so I don't think I can chalk this up to any latent undercurrent of insecurity with a father figure. I've got lots of friends and I've always been a go-getter, as my mother calls it, so I think I'm pretty well skilled in the ways of social interaction.
I just don't get it.
Why don't I have the cojones to wink at a stranger? Smile at a cute guy on the street? Strike up a convo with Mr. Tall, dark and handsome reading the Wall Street Journal at the 'bucks?
God, I've got to grow some balls.