Monday, June 04, 2007

Letter To The Century Regional Detention Facility

Dear Hilty,

I know you must be having a rough day. I remember my first night in jail, so many years ago. I woke up and found a packed lunch with a bologna sandwich, carton of milk and some Oreo cookies. Not what a girl living the Ghetto Fabulous life is accustomed to, right?

I, fortunately, only had to spend one night in the Drunk Tank. That was enough to rattle me to responsibility. Unfortunately you've got a little bit more time to serve in the county lock-up. Those orange jump suits can be a bit unbecoming for a gal with your coloring, don't you think?

Well, my day certainly isn't as bad as yours, I'll admit. But I've had to weather a couple hiccups of my own today. First, I discovered this afternoon that my underwear's inside-out. If that isn't an omen, than I don't know what is, honey. On top of that - I'm trying to do the Green thing and use natural deodorant. I love Tom and he makes a good toothpaste but I don't know if those Mainahs have cornahed the mahket on deodorant while they'ah pahkin' the cah' in Havahd Yahd.

Do you get what I'm saying, Paris? The natural aluminum-free deodorant isn't really working at 100 percent yet. At least it's not a sweltering 90 degrees today.

So much to look forward to.

Another bummer: I am trying to brace my body for performance in regular soccer games. On second thought, I don't know that I should call this a bummer more than it is a fear. A team will depend on my athletic prowess (or lack thereof) on a regular basis.

I can't remember the last time I did crack, but it most certainly must have been when I offered to particpate in such a physical endeavor.

My good friend Bluegrass Brit is on said soccer team and she convinced me to participate.

I am certain I will die of embarrasment or exhaustion (or both) during the first game, scheduled for June 13th.

Paris, I imagine you won't be getting much physical activity in while you're behind bars, considering the county is giving you one whole hour to shower, exercise and spend some time outside.

That totally puts a kink in those epic showers I imagine you like.

Much love,
Kate the Great


t2ed said...

Soccer? You're nuts. You have to run all the time. At least with softball you get to stop at bases and catch your breath. And hopefully pick up a beer from the cooler near second base.

Denae said...

this is a hilarious hilarious post