Wednesday, October 10, 2007


The little things don't really matter.

I learned that a long time ago.

Sometimes it sucks when you struggle with losing five or ten or 40 pounds. And yes, insecurity at work can be a bummer, too.

Ditto for miles of bumper-to-bumper traffic and stains on the carpet.

But that stuff really doesn't affect much on your journey of life. The milestones on that road are more likely to involve the likes of birth and death, of marriage and separation, and circumstances of great personal anguish.

That's the kind of stuff I sweat.

This Maeve situation has really thrown me for a loop. I guess it's because my sister and brother-in-law had no indication this would be a critical scenario prior to the baby's birth. All of the ultrasounds were normal. My sister's doctor appointments didn't turn up any red flags.

We were all expecting a simple delivery and healthy baby - end of story.

The excitement started building months ago - Maeve is the first grandchild in my family and so my parents, my sisters and I have all been extremely thrilled about the newest generation to join our clan.

It's funny. Buy some baby clothes and see a picture of a sonogram and your brain will begin to sail off to pipe dreams of beach vacations with curly haired girls toting buckets full of sand. You'll imagine first birthday parties and foreheads caked in frosting. You'll dream of little pictures drawn in crayon with misspelled I love yous carefully written.

That baby has consumed all of my fantasies ever since I heard about her existence. And with each thought, my heart loved her a little bit more.

That love grew and grew until even the thought of Maeve meant a simultaneous eruption of smiles and tears - all of joy, of course.

Now I think of Maeve and I pray.

I pray and I cry. I try to bargain with God. I try to reason with myself that everything will be okay.

Because this is a Big Thing. A big, scary thing involving genetics and testing and tubes and monitors and iv drips. A situation that has more questions than answers.

A matter of faith - because that's all you can rely on as you kneel down and beg God to take care of this innocent, sweet angel struggling with the first days of her life.

This is why I worry.

No comments: