Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Pure Confidence

So, I'm going to see a play tomorrow called Pure Confidence.

Kind of ironic (actually, Alanis, is this a case of irony or coincidence?) since I've been struggling with my confidence lately.

The struggle takes me back to my days as a Girl Scout, complete with the sash and a zillion patches for things like pitching tents and learning field signs left along trails.

As a Girl Scout, you're expected to solicit your neighbors, friends, family and even strangers (okay, so maybe things have changed since 1983) to buy cookies. The goal is to push Thin Mints and Do-Si-Dos or whatever they're called in your part of the country to help fill the troop's coffers. It's an annual occurrence people expect in the wintertime, some people practically beg little, pig-tailed girls to come to their doorstep so they can peruse the order form. Still, I always got kind of freaked out by the experience.

I mean, this was a time when I had to talk to grown-ups about things like money and delivery dates and the variety of cookies offered. This was a chore that required me to prepare a little schpiel and deliver it with utmost maturity and confidence in myself and the product (which practically sells itself, anyway). This was probably the first thing I really had to do all-by-myself.

And the whole thing got me on edge.

I think it's partially because I'd struggle with Performance Anxiety (something I battle to this day) and because I just didn't have the confidence in myself.

But somehow I found some False Confidence in myself and I grew the cojones to do a little ditty for dozens of neighbors, nine years in a row.

Well, I'm still struggling with confidence in myself.

Little landmines continue to crop up well into adulthood - whether they be professionally speaking, socially or in a more service oriented setting. I find occasions that push me to stand up for myself, believe in myself and be my own advocate.

23 years later, I guess some things haven't changed since I first hit the street with my Cookie Sheet and a pencil.

I wonder when I'll get this one down pat.


Denae said...

it is tough to continue developing professionally and socially. especially where we're old enough to get over the cold feet we experience in difficult situations. keep trucking, sweetie. just be on the lookout for those who try to take advantage of you and consider standing up to them. (didn't mean for that to sound like a fortune from a cookie...)

Jeregano said...

I find that I hae never really gotten over my lack of confidence, just gotten a whole lot better at faking it. Fake it till you make it, right?