Since I turn 30 this year, I feel entitled to put this on the blog. Thank you, Oprah Junior, for the email.
Subject: The 30's somethings
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up, what with walking 25 miles to school every morning...uphill BOTH ways... yadda, yadda, yadda..
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in Hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it! But now that I'm the ripe old age of 30, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.
You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!
When I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!! There was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter... with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!
There were no MP3's or Napsters! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!
We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had Pong or the Atari 2600 with games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked ass! Your guy was a little square. You actually had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died!
Just like LIFE!
When you went to the movie theater, there was no such thing as stadium seating. All the seats were the same height! So if a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just screwed!
Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and there was no on-screen menu and no remote control. You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! And you were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel, and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning. Do you hear what I'm saying??! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!
And we didn't have microwave ovens. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove or go build a frigging fire... imagine that! If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid JiffyPop thing and shake it over the stove forever like an idiot. That's exactly what I'm talking about!
You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980!
Regards, The 30+ something crowd!