Wednesday, May 23, 2007

The Scientist

I wonder if some day they will erect a statue in my honor.

A beautiful, marble bust (the girl is using some irony today) celebrating my commitment to medicine and scientific research.

Wait, you say. So, Kate's a doctor now? What happened to the tv business?

No, no, no, silly. I'm still making up the news.

I'm just broke as a joke from time to time thanks to tee vee. So I courageously sign up to participate in medical research.

Now that is some crazy shit, isn't it?

I have chosen a profession that isn't really known for its financial rewards. That means I have to supplement my ghetto fabulous lifestyle from time to time. It turns out the medical field will pay you a pretty penny (or maybe two) if you're willing to subject yourself to some poking and prodding.

Right now I'm carrying this unusual device in my purse. It combines technology and a certain prescription cream in an attempt to get rid of cold sores. I am supposed to carry this device (in it's plastic container, sealed with a three number combination lock) and some directions with me every day in the event Mount Rushmore decides to erupt along the vermilion border of my lips.

Basically, I am praying I get a cold sore over the next six months. Weird, I know, but I could be paid up to $750 for my time and trouble.

Easy money for a painful, unsightly cluster of bumps that can be covered up by the latest, greatest thing at Sephora.

Last September I signed up for a study of an experimental flu vaccine. This particular shot has already been offered in Canada for several years, so I didn't see the harm in rolling up my sleeves and taking one for the team. The $225 payout just seemed so easy for the off chance I got a placebo.

Considering I didn't get sick all winter, I think I got the real deal, and I suppose it worked.

Almost two years ago I participated in a different cold sore study. Coincidentally, I got a cold sore three days after I was enrolled. This also involved some space age looking device and a cream that's already sold by a pharmacist near you.

I managed to earn a nice little $500 down payment for my then-new car.

I don't think I'm down with trying anything truly experimental and I definitely am not interested in selling my eggs (if anyone's having a baby with my genetic code, it's gonna be me).

But I can certainly test out a shot or a cream for the sake of living luxe.

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