Sunday, August 08, 2004

Could I have been a parking lot attendant?

Dave Matthews is a musical genius.

The man has an incredible way of touching our feelings and making them tangible for us. He welcomes us to the table of our emotions, helps us enjoy and appreciate them until our pain, our joy and our contemplation are easy to digest.

Basically, Dave puts into simple words what the rest of us mere mortals struggle to even understand.

One of my favorite songs is #41. The tune needs no title... just a couple minutes of your time to listen to its greatness.

I will go in this way
And I'll find my own way out
I won't tell you to stay
But im coming to much more...Me
all at once the ghosts come back
Reeling in your mind
Oh what if they came in crashing
used to play for all that loneliness that nobody
notices now
Oh begging slow
I'm coming here....., yeahah ohoh
I'm waiting
I wanted to stay
I wanted to play
I wanted to love you

Dave Matthews makes you contemplate your past. All those old loves, painful fights, agonizing solitude, he makes you think about where you've been and
where you're going in this world.

Which is exactly what I've been doing a lot of.

Is my past (or the future I would have predicted in my past) better than my actual reality? I know this is a lot of Who's On First, but stick with me.

Where would I be in life if I had chased after Boyfriend X? Would I be any happier than I am now? Would I be blissfully in love, or would I be devastated I had wasted my precious time in a dead end relationship?

I think a lot about the ghosts of my past, the happy nights that peppered every day life... the times when happiness washed over you with every breath of life. But those same happy ghosts have a way of leaving behind weeks and months of pain in the dust of their departure.

One ghost in particular brought a lot of joy to my life. He nurtured in me a great appreciation for Dave Matthews, and so it is with great melancholy that I listen to Crash and Under the Table and Dreaming. As much as I love the music, I've worked hard to heal the scabby wounds left behind by that abruptly severed relationship.

And as painful as his departure was, it probably was the best thing for me. His quick and hurtful fleeing gave me the opportunity to make some personal discoveries about myself. I was so blinded by his glory that I failed to see the brightness of my own. My infatuation with him had left my heart and soul so tarnished with neglect. I was starving for some self discovery.

Parking lot attendant?

Probably not. But an insecure, drunk singleton with no direction... that's definitely where I was heading.

It's amazing how one person's decision to hit the road can put another back on the path they were meant to be on.

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