Friday, February 01, 2008

Banana Republic

I wanted to punch the crap out of her.

That says a lot considering I don't condone violence and am not easily annoyed.

But there I was, holed up in my dressing room, half undressed and wiggling into a silk, blue-and-white polka dot top when I heard this woman bleat in a shrill and astonished voice, "Wow. I've never been to a store that had anything that was too small for me to try on."

Surely you can understand my bitterness.

God blessed me with some aerodynamics that are not synonymous with small. The combination of my 5'8" appropriate frame and my cup runneth over chest do not lend themselves well to tiny. Curvy, zaftig, bombshell - I can do all of that. I am just never waif, slender or slight. So I could not control my distain for this woman when I heard her exclaimation implying just how damn skinny she was.

I stared at myself in the mirror, examining all my insecurities while I was imagining a perfectly coifed, WASPy blonde with nary a pimple or wrinkle on her lilly white skin. I examined the curves and rolls of my midsection while seething at the thought of her bony ass and a stomach so tight you could do tequila shots out of her belly button.

"Oh, do you think you have this in extra small? I mean, this small just isn't doing it for me."

For the love of all that is fried and fattening.

I wanted to fling open the dressing room door and body slam my way into hers, shocking her with the Rookwood Commons Banana Republic's very first performance of the Truffle Shuffle.

I can already picture the rent-a-cop huffing and puffing his way through the parking lot.

Instead, I sucked it up and tried on the rest of my sale rack booty. I settled on three delicate tops that will have to sit in the closet until springtime and a crimson boatneck sweater just dying to hit the town on a cold Saturday night.

I slinked my way to the register and waited my turn. My eyes glossed over the sparkly gems in the glass case and the luxurious handbags on display.

And then I heard her.

"Yeah, um, it would be GREAT if you could call Kenwood to see if they have that extra small." She tossed out the conversation to one of the sales associates behind the counter. Looking back on it, I honestly didn't hear rude in her tone, but at the time I certainly imagined so. I did a 180* pivot on my heels to see this speck of a person. I was expecting Kate Moss, Gwyneth Paltrow, Keira Knightley.

Instead, I saw this munchkin of a woman. She was not a little person, at least as little people go. She was lucky to have cleared five foot even and she was not the WASP I thought she'd be. Her skin was olivy and her hair was a messy black halo, a fringe around her face.

I felt so silly.

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