Monday, February 11, 2008

Burn, Baby, Burn


I don't hide my culinary preferences 'round these parts - I love good, creative food. I don't necessarily require beluga caviar or black truffles to experience edible extacy, in fact I think a phenomenal burger from a greasy spoon can be just as good as a steamed Maine lobster.

But as much as I love to treat my tastebuds to delicious, unique dining experiences - sometimes home cooking at my home is a little less elaborate and a lot more microwave.

Enter the Hot Pocket.

I'm not even going to pretend - they are so trashy, at least on the Jacques Pepin Scale of Classy Food. They don't require silverware, they don't require a stove or oven. Hell, Hot Pockets don't even require seasoning. All you need is that little cardboard wrapper thingy and some quality time with a few microwave rays and BAM! you can enjoy Chicken Fajita Hot Pocket, Ham and Cheddar Hot Pocket or a variety of other options processed for your pleasure.

The thing about Hot Pockets is - they can be a little bitchy from time to time.

Those little pastry confections can run hot or cold literally no matter how long you put them in the micro. Sometimes the bell goes ding! and you pull out a Hot Pocket that's icy to the touch. Other times it feels like it's ready to get all Mt. Vesuvius on you - an eruption of cheesy goodness all over your face.

That's exactly what happened to me yesterday.

The little bitch was so hot when I bit into it. I sunk in my teeth and some of my tastebuds were instantly singed. I spit out the imitation mozzerella and chicken chunks and a big swath of cheese slapped across my lips and landed on my cheek.


It burned worse than the time in 7th grade when I bumped the side of my face with a curling iron (admit it: didn't you have big bangs on your forehead, too??)

I howled and then smeared the burning, greasy goodness off me.

I spent the rest of the day trying to fight off the effects of a first-degree burn. It didn't work. Now I have this pink, swollen patch of skin to the left of my mouth. It's not pretty but I consulted several medical journals (vanity alert) and discovered it should heal in a week or so and likely won't leave behind a scar.

Now for the fun stuff.

I had no idea the Hot Pocket was so revered on the internet.

It turns out people LOVE the Hot Pocket.

Special thanks to Lenna Lou for the heads up on Jim Gaffigan's routine on Hot Pockets.

Some of you might get low while enjoying this special edition of Hot Pocket Drop It.

Lots of creative people have ripped off some Asian guy featured in some old Hot Pocket commercials.

I had a fourth video posted here but my better judgment got the best of me. It was a YouTube video of a very obese man who could put Hot Pockets under his breasts. It simultaneously made me feel sad and yet never want to eat a Hot Pocket again.

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