Friday, September 10, 2004

Goin' from the itty bitty Bluegrass to the Bright Lights of Vegas

Ten tips to go from Wholesome to Hoochie in 24 hours

Okay... I'm not going to get completely hoochiefied... there's nothing worse than looking like a ho... and knowing it.

I prefer to consider it more of a transformation towards glamour.

There ain't no glamour in Kentucky, baby. At least in my lil' neck of the woods. Some people try, with their cutesy seat belt bag purses and off- the-shoulder flouncy shawl gettups... but really, here in Kentucky it's more a mock-up of glamour. Big City flattery in a little town.

But Vegas. That's a different story. Pretty people with pretty things, and lots of pretty paper in their pockets (all of it green, of course.) It's a lot to intimidate a girl straight out of the hayseed sleepy town of Lexington (cue the banjo music here.)

That's not really what I think of Lexington.

Lexington is actually a cool little town, unfortunately the rest of the world doesn't know it. So I am out to prove otherwise, one city at a time, and here are the ten hip tips I'll use to help me do it.

1) False eyelashes - not just for Halloween anymore

Every celebrity you see on TV has these incredibly long lashes perfect for batting at beaus. The truth is out: these folks weren't born that way.

2) A great tan
Fake or otherwise, a little bronze on the ol' bod does wonders for a gal. A tan can make you look younger, thinner and otherwise attractive. Lots of great bronzers are out there, spray on is always an option, or you can choose the route of the cancer coffin.

3) Diamonds are a girl's best friend

Real or not, a little bling bling can go a long way. I'm trying out some sparkly stilleto earrings and a nice Austrian crystal bracelet.

4)Up, Up and Away

(no, this is not me!!)
A push up bra can do for the little girls what it does for the big girls. Lift and push together.
I myself was overly blessed (or was it cursed?) by the boob fairy, so I am using something with a little more archetecture, but you get the point.

5) Piercings

Barbells aren't for the gym anymore. It's a remnant from my days as a wild college girl, and I just haven't been able to part with it. There's a far less committment than tattoos, and in my book it's a little bit more discreet than some dolphin on your ankle. Eww.

6) A good pair of heels

Not very practical for walking The Strip (well, I guess they are for the professionals) but they look great with a little black dress.

7) Little Black Dress

It's no-brain uniform for the cocktail set. Every girl has at least one.

8) Flat iron


This invention is a gift from Folliclesus... the Greek God of Hair. Okay, I made that up, but it ranks up there as one of the world's best inventions. I've got some frizzy hair to contend with, and every once in a while it's nice to go sleek like everyone else.

9) Little Black Handbag

To keep your lipstick, tampons, pens for snagging guys phone numbers. Most girly purses in Kentucky also stash cigarettes and lighters, even with a city wide smoking ban in all public places.
10) Lip Gloss

Keeps your lips pretty and pouty.

3 comments:

Michael said...

But when do we get a picture of you all dolled up and ready for the big city?

BTW--I think ya look fabulous in your bio picture on the site anyway...no dressin' up needed.

Koochie Taster said...

Realistically, though, all that stuff pales in comparison to a little hint of muscle on a girl. Not man-muscles, mind you. Just nice, gently-sculpted, feminine muscles on the calves and arms when a girl stretches to reach something or bends over to pick something up. Drives me insane...

Kate The Great said...

I've got some muscles on my body... I wish I had some guns, but I don't :(

I DO have the hardest ass some folks will ever grab in their lifetime, though. I don't know how... I just came out of the womb that way.

But my strongest muscle (despite what they say about the tongue) is that gray matter I've got between the ears.