Friday, September 17, 2004

Visit From Beyond?

I had a strange dream last night.

I'm one of those sound sleepers with (as much as I hate to admit it) a light snore. My brain goes to the depths of my subconscious when I sleep, and I never remember the journey once awake.

This morning was different.

I dreamed my favorite grandma and I were visiting in her old house. I was my present age, as opposed to the high school senior who struggled with her death so many years ago.

We were sitting in her den, laughing and talking. Nana was telling me she was so pleased to see the person I had become, that she was really proud of my accomplishments and strength through personal struggles, and that I had become a beautiful woman.

Nana and I were really close when I was a kid. People tell me I'm a carbon copy version of her, including the ballsy attitude and fake blonde hair. Oh, how we had great times together and made lots of treasured memories. I loved the velvet softness of my Nana's arms, how they were as smooth as pillows. I miss how she'd tell me grown-up jokes with a twinkle in her eye. I miss how we'd eat Lorna Doone cookies and drink tea while I played dress up with her jewelry and silk scarves.

The dream of my special Nana was so vivid, one my wet noodle managed to hang on to, and for that reason it leaves me with one question:

Did Nana come visit me in my sleep?

The fact I remembered the dream at all leads me to believe there is some significance to the dream, though I'm not sure that indicates the dream has a tinge of alternate universe reality to it, or if it was just an emotional journey.

I've always wondered if my Nana would be proud of me, if she would be happy to see the woman I had become. If my career would impress her. If she would be shocked by some of my brazen behavior a couple years back. I don't know if this dream was a sleepy time version of all that wondering.

I immediately woke up and started crying. Not a faint whimper, but out and out bawling with tears pouring down my cheeks. The dream was so real to me, so vivid, that it brought with it that incredible longing for Nana I had forgotten so long ago.

Then I got freaked out that Nana's ghost would be bothered by my crying. I was worried her spirit from beyond would take my emotional outburst to mean I was scared or upset by her apparition, when in reality I was overcome by a feeling of longing for her.

I grew concerned my grandmother's spirit would be scared off by my reaction, so I started talking out loud, saying "Nana, I'm not scared. I'm not upset. I just miss you. I'm not upset by your visit, and I love you a whole lot."

This morning was a very surreal experience. I loved the idea my grandma may have come visit me in my dream to tell me she loves me from beyond, and I hope it happens again.

Next time I'll be sure to have the Lorna Doones on hand.

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