Friday, July 21, 2006

Staples, 70s Shorts and a Smokin' Mom

Everyone including Kate the Great
was in happy spirits after a trip to the
Kenton County Fair.

I've already talked at length about how there's nothing I enjoy more than some good people watching. I fully intend on writing a couple novels before I'm dead and buried, and I'm always looking for some colorful inspiration I can tuck into my bra for a later date.

The Kenton County Fair is a breeding ground for characters.

Our group set out in search of a good ol' bull riding contest, complete with some hot studs (the cowboys I mean, not the animals). My fellow companions (Big Blue Blood, Lenna Lou and The Element) made it to the fair and quickly realized we were the most polished city slickers in the bunch, even though the fair was, like, less than 10 miles from Downtown Cincinnati.

It was quite evident that many of these people fell out of a trailer park.

We meandered our way towards the rides area to get an armband and we encountered our first of the strangest group of carnies I have ever seen. The dude who was in charge of putting on my armband had skin that looked like leather tanned to the color of dark coffee. What's worse, a bit of panic ran through my veins when I noticed he had a huge gash on his scalp running along the hairline that was held together with four industrial size staples.

I immediately wondered what ride he was on to get that battle wound.

We made it to The Scrambler and saw this woman who, I am sad to admit, made me feel wonderful about my body image. She looked like she was about 25 or so, greasy blond hair and a kid in tow. This woman was pretty large in size and unfortunately was not wearing an outfit flattering for her form. Picture a big white t-shirt and then navy terry cloth running shirts a la the 1970s when every chick looked good wearing tiny, tiny shorts in the summertime.

Except this girl.

The woman's thighs practically slapped and waved with each step away from the ride. She bent over to tie her child's shoes and we all quickly turned away with grimaces, painfully avoiding what we already glimpsed: the sight of her nether body swallowing up the bit of terry cloth between her legs.

Hey. If I had to see it, then I'm going to punish the rest of you with the same burning image.

We made it on The Scrambler and pretty much regretted the decision as soon as the ride got in full swing. With every complete revolution, we flew out to the edge - just inches away from a fence, wondering whether some crappy bolt would fly off sending us sailing into an amusement tragedy.

We made it off the ride safely (thanks to my saying a couple Hail Marys) and walked on over to get some roasted corn and onion rings. As guilty as I felt about chowing down on so many fatty foods, I have to say I realized quickly I've got quite a ways to go to catch up to the curvy size of many ladies in the Kenton Co. area.

Apparently men there like their women thick.


We saw one such curvy lady sucking on a cigarette. At first glance, I grouped her in with the rest of the rubinesque crowd. It wasn't until my friends pointed out this lady was eating, and apparently smoking for two.

Hey, I guess if it's good enough for mom, then it's good enough for baby, right?

We left the fair completely fulfilled (after checking out the half-assed 4-H projects) with our annual dose of Redneck.

Y'all come back now, ya hear?


NB-C said...

My God. It sounds like a typical September in Whitesburg when all the holler rats roll out of their modular homes to eat meat on a stick at the Mountain Heritage Festival. Good times!

You look great by the way. How much weight have you lost?

Kate The Great said...

Oh Whitesburg, where the whistle blows. Thanks for the compliments NB-C... you sure do know how to make a girl feel good about herself! Actually I am a couple pounds up from the winter time (the beastly heat does nothing for my gym motivation). The truth is I am blissfully happy! A good disposition can do wonders for a gal's looks!