Monday, July 31, 2006

Holding Period

I got trapped in a funk for, like, four hours Sunday.

I think I caught what's going around from either NB-C or Nat and started evaluating the intricacies of my life.

It's easy to throw your hands in the air and yell "I'm so done" when you're single, overweight and (almost) 30.

I think the bum mood started festering in me a day before when I went on a walk in downtown Cincinnati. I parked the car and walked along the river until I made it to the Purple People Bridge. Deciding to take a break at one of the sweeter scenic spots, I rang up my moms and pops to touch base. The convo rolled in the direction of my birthday (an effin' four months away now) and buying property and losing weight and my being single and a myriad of other things that can stress a girl out.

I am pretty happy with my accomplishments thus far. I have a great career (not just a j-o-b, mind you, but a career) and I live in a great neighborhood. I am blessed with wonderful family and friends. I even have the occasional day where I feel pretty (and witty and bright).

But let me share a little secret with you: I have days when I struggle with my insecurities. Days when Kate the Great isn't really all that Great.

Sunday I was struggling with the I Am So Alone factor. I realized in the evening that I likely never exchanged more than four words with anybody during the day. It's a strange feeling - when you feel so cut off from society in general, kind of like a recluse. I put in a call to D-Money and The Sisters but wasn't able to connect and for that moment in time I felt like God forgot me. Kind of like DeNiro in Taxi Driver - all bottled up with emotions and nobody to really connect with.

I spent some time stewing in my juices and then I did what I could to turn around my disposition. That, perhaps, is one of the most powerful discoveries I've made in the past few years: I have the power to change my mood. I know what my triggers are: indulgent food, indulgent moments at the bookstore, long walks and funny movies. It's a valuable tool that lots of people spend years struggling with, and I feel fortunate in knowing that nobody can make me truly feel better but myself.

There are lots of reasons why I need a man, but that's not one of them. And God made batteries for some of the other reasons, but I digress.


I know I have some great things going on in my world. I set up my 401K a few weeks ago because I realize my Fairy Godmother isn't going to magically appear and make my Golden Years all that golden.

I am looking forward to seeing my dearest friend this week and I am also really jazzed about my first ever Dave Matthews concert Tuesday night.

Oh, and my babies. My tomato plant is coming along beautifully. Little green orbs everywhere.

You reap what you sow, indeed.


Me! said...

Your Sunday pretty much sums up how I feel half the time. And for all the same reasons too. I guess I need to tap into my triggers that make me happy and do them more often, except the shopping because once I receive the bill it just makes things worse.

Kate The Great said...

GAC- I have become a really good window shopper.

For so long I gave in to my whims to make me feel better, and then I'd be ghetto broke.

Now, I walk away from something I really want. If I have to go back to get it later, then I guess I really want it.

I suppose I could use that in other areas of my life...

Denae said...

Can I be a worse friend?! I just listened to my voice mail this morning and got your message. Keep in mind...your sleep schedule just flipped and your body is tired! Working that overnight shift is also isolating...all of your buds are working during NORMAL hours. That prob makes you feel a bit alone, too. Can't wait to see you tomorrow night! I'm writing this on my chest: WE LOVE U, DAVE!

NB-C said...

Hang in there Kate...lack of sleep can do a lot of crazy things to a person.

I'm sorry the funky bug flew North...

Kate The Great said...

D- Don't worry. I have that "not checking the voice mail" bad habit, too. I really should have sent a text, but I wasn't in crisis mode so it's all good. Looking forward to tonight (gosh is it already here. And PS, can you believe Vegas would have been this weekend?)

NB-C- Thanks for the support. I think I'm turning a corner. A little bit of weight loss has a way of doing that for a girl...